hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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