How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
