i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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