GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize