I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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