Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
