I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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