Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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