A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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