My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
