Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize