Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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