Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
