I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
