in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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