nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
how drunk are you?
Several
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
