Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
