had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize