I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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