do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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