Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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