OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
