I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
