At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
