Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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