Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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