Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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