There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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