just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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