We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
