I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
As shirtless as possible
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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