did you get engaged???
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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