I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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