I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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