I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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