I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
