She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
