the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
