Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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