Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize