For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
