This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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