I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love you. Go after that dick
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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