I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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