This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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