well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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