I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
