I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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