Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
