Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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