College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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