Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
