I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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