i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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