I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
