Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
