everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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