Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
