how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
